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The things you thought I've never knew about you, were the things you guess I've always understood. I guess I only see the truth through all this fear. I can never make it on my own. To be back in your arms where I belong, would be Heaven. As the days roll along, I see the sadness you still have for me. I cry because you're not here. Everything I have known gets swept away beside your love, in a never ending dream, made up of my fear and your sorrow, angst and
your dreams. Except your dreams are better than mine. I've always wondered what you dream of. You call me strong, and you call me weak.
Even after all those secrets you told me, and you told me not to tell a soul, I respected that. It's been nearly a year since I've saw your face, and I don't think I can look at this the same. You're still on my lonely mind, Dearka. You're still with me in my dreams. Do you even remember me? Heck, how could you forget? Life went better as we went, until that day. I'm here without you, and it's not fun. Things have gotten much harder, but it won't take away my love, my passion, my inner lust for you, my inner desire to see you again. To hold you in
my arms. What am I to you now, just a voice inside your head? Or maybe a part of some forgotten past you never want to remember? Am I a worn out face? There's no tomorrow.
I find it kinda funny actually. To think, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take the truth. What a mad world we live in. Every now and then I get a little lost; I'm right upon the edge. I can't take this! It's so hard loving you...even after all this. Even after we broke each others hearts. You were the angel that believed in me, and I believed in you. Why was I so stupid to believe I could get anything better than that? What we had was special, and to be honest, I cherished that. I'll just watch my life pass me by, and my thoughts of you, maybe, just maybe will become more clearer than they already are. I have no where to go, you were my last hope. I want you back. Even if it costs all of my pride, dignity, and heart. You can have all that's left of me, Dearka. I've been dying inside, and I feel like I'm running in circles. It's like a never ending dream. No... A
Nightmare. What are the things you want
me to say? Because, half of this isn't coming out right. I don't know where to go from here. There's just
something about you, Dearka. And I can quite figure it out. I have nothing more to lose. Consider this, my feelings, my full trust and respect! Hell, even your friendship would be more desirable over this. We can decide it later, right? Just come home to me, so I can see your face again...Just once more before I pass... Before my life is wasted away in a hopeless dream. Even although it already may be to late. This feeling inside me is a little bit funny. It's nothing close to those feelings others can easily hide. And you can tell everybody, if it makes you feel better! It could be quite simple, but now that it's done, I wonder how life is for you. Do you feel the same as me?
I always wanted to know why you decided to leave me in the end. I hade my reasons for hating you, after all was done. You told me we needed to grow up; we needed to live our lives?! What do you think we were doing? Playing dress-up? Living make- believe lives just for kicks? Or was it that you didn't want me for what kind of love I had to give...But for other sickening things I had to offer for your pure pleasure? Its not that I didn't enjoy our month neutral relationship. Not at all... I cherished every moment I was around you. Until we finally decided to sleep together. Was this your plan all along? Was your plan to dig around in my brain and trick me into thinking you had feelings? It's so pathetic...
I hope you don't mind I tell you this. You were always so gullible...and you most likely still are. There was a time when I was everything and nothing all in one. When we first met, I need to tell you, you've always lit up every second of my life. And I can't explain, but there's something about your smile. It gets me deep inside. And I can't describe it. When I first saw you, it's the part of you I first fell in love with. I was speechless at first, and I didn't know how to tell you. The fact about going up to you and telling you my feelings would sound rather immature. But, if it would help our current situation, I would do it countless times. Is this a dream? If it is, wake me up. I've always been uncomfortably numb, until you opened up my eyes. You found me, and you broke through all of my confusion. You stayed by me, through the ups and the downs. There's no going back now. No one else looked at me like you did. I was hurting, until you came along and showed me where I belonged. How did you know where I fitted in? Well...At least you didn't leave me, like half the other people that were my so-called ‘friends'. I guess that you saw what nobody could see, the good and the bad... and the things all smashed up in-between it all. You must have really loved me though. But there are moments like this, you don't ever want forget. I thought I was dreaming, and it was a good dream. Why did you have to wake me up from it? Couldn't it have lasted forever? My heart is dying...
I wanted to know if you would catch me when I fell...I wanted to know your true feelings. So, that's when we had our first kiss. My most foolish idea of all. Seeming as it turned out to be completely useless. Do you remember that....that was the night you told me you loved me. That's when we became official. That's when I felt like laying my body in the sands of time and freezing it right then and there. I'm pathetic for believing that. You're pathetic for lying to me, you son of a bitch.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore though. You no longer have feelings, right? My dreams of returning to you have disappointed me. My tragic life is ending. Don't blame yourself...it's probably all my fault.
This is the tragic story I like to call my life. And your load of bullshit has just made this story end...with never ending streams of blood.
