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Title: Yzak Joule versus the culinary arts
Author: kotomine
Prompt/Theme:Comedy/Romance
Written for: Sandra/cagallip13

It is a well-known fact that Yzak Joule was a young man of many talents, most of them he highly excels in. Nevermind the fact that Athrun Zala thwarted his goals to be number one in everything, Yzak Joule’s exceptional skills made him one of the most competent and well-bred young Coordinators of his time.

However, if there was one thing Yzak Joule could do so horribly, you wish it was never to be done ever again, it was cooking. Yes, Yzak Joule was untrained for the culinary arts. His mother had been too busy with political affairs to teach him and he often immersed himself with activities similar to Athrun Zala’s, intending to defeat him one day. Yzak Joule most likely overlooked the fact that Athrun Zala can indeed cook and often made the Tuna Casserole he loved so much.

“How could you not know how to cook?” Nicol asked in an incredulously loud tone one night. It irked Yzak that Nicol voiced his question for everyone in their squad to hear. “My mother taught me when I was four years old.”

Miguel nodded in agreement. “You can’t possibly count on rations all the time. At least learn to roast a rabbit or something...”

“Actually, we don’t have live rabbits here on PLANT.” Nicol reminded him. “Although… we might do might have to hunt for game when we land on Ea—hey Yzak where are you going?!”

Squad leader for field exercise number seventy-six, Yzak Joule, left his comrades in a huff.

Yzka never saw the need to cook nor did he ever imagine living alone to fend for himself. He always thought that he’d probably marry a sweet girl whose only significant use was to make him a feast after a hard days work. Years later, Yzak Joule would find himself preferring men. Or at least a certain Dearka Elsman.

Now this Dearka Elsman, current subordinate, former best friend and more recently lover to Yzak Joule, was a typical man. He too was as intelligent and athletic as most Coordinators were. And while he wasn’t a culinary connoisseur, he managed to cook something that wasn’t instant. Dearka Elsman’s mother often told him that cooking should surpass gender. Everyone should cook because it is man’s necessity to eat. True enough, Dearka Elsman learned to boil water that very same day.

When they moved in together as so-called roommates, Yzak Joule made sure that the task of making their breakfast and dinner was not appointed to him. He often made a bee-line towards the refrigerator and leave as quick as he could. That was the most contact he had to the kitchen. Dearka used to think of it as one of Yzak’s cute quirks, however after two years of living together, it was starting to get annoying.

“You can’t expect me to cook you dinner every single night forever.” Dearka explained to an impatient and starving Yzak Joule.
“What do you want me to do? Starve and die?!” Yzak replied angrily, “I’m famished and I’ve been waiting for hours and it’s already half past midnight!”
“It’s not my fault. I had to file the reports you handed over to me before you left the base.” Dearka retorted back. “I’m seriously exhausted, Yzak. Order takeout or something.”
“I don’t feel like eating takeout!” Snapped the angry and certainly famished Yzak. “And if you listened to my suggestion of hiring a cook for us, we wouldn’t have to argue like this all the freaking time!”
Dearka scratched the back of his head in annoyance. “We’re not home everyday. It would simply be a waste of money…” he was interrupted by a strange noise. It sounded like it came from Yzak’s stomach.
Dearka suppressed a grin. “Tell you what; I’ll make you something tonight. However, since we’re both on stand-by tomorrow, you’re going to have to learn how to cook.”

Yzak glared a Dearka for a moment. He wasn’t too keen on that idea at all.

“Oh and by the way, remember that wonderful Tuna Casserole we used to eat in military school?”
“What about it?”
“Athrun made it.”

Yzak stomped off to their bedroom and started throwing innocent, small objects to the walls. Back in the kitchen, Dearka took out a pot from a cabinet and started to boil water. He was too sleepy to cook anything complicated that early morning so he decided to serve some instant noodles. Not that Yzak knew the difference from real food anyway.

Yzak finally agreed to learn cooking after a fantastic after dinner activity, much to Dearka’s delight. The next day, Dearka woke up to a loud explosion and the house sprinklers being activated.

“I was thinking more on the lines of boiling water for a start…” Dearka said, bringing boxes of books and random trinkets out to the porch for drying. He got the least soaked clothing he had (some smelly undershirt from his pile of laundry and borrowed some pants from Yzak’s own neglected pile) and wore them temporarily while their entire wardrobe was sent to the Laundromats for drying. Having sprinklers installed in their dressers was beyond them, really.

“You should’ve told me last night.” Yzak hissed as he activated the automatic mops to clean up the floor. He made sure that the soaked papers on the floor would not get in their way.

They spent the entire morning and afternoon tidying up and drying up their house. At around five, there was nothing left to do so Dearka announced that they could finally begin the cooking lessons.

After explaining some basic terms and instructions to Yzak, it was time for the actual cooking to begin. “Alright. Turn the stove on.” He instructed.
”I don’t freaking get it! Humans managed to develop a way to mess with DNA to produce ultimate and flawless beings. They managed to leave that useless, unpredictable poor excuse of a planet called earth and live in perfect, climate controlled environment such as PLANT. They’ve created massive weapons to protect themselves from any adversary that comes their way. And yet they still can’t make a way for stupid food to cook automatically! What a load of bull technology is!”
Dearka massaged his throbbing forehead. “Just turn the stove on. Yzak.”

“Alright. Now what?”
”We wait until the water boils.”
”How do I know if it boils, the freaking kettle’s hot! And I can’t see the water! Stupid kettle has a goddamn cover!”
Dearka allowed his face to meet his palm.

“Dearka. The kettle’s making some stupid noise.”
”Then it’s done. You can turn the stove off now.”
”Ah.” Yzak nodded. “What’s next?”
”You’re done!” Dearka beamed. “You managed to boil water without blowing up the house!”
Yzak replied breezily. “Of course I can boil water. It’s a piece of cake. I bet I can make a better Tuna casserole than that idiot Athrun Zala.”
”Alright… now we boil some eggs.”

That night, Dearka Elthman and Yzak Joule had four hard boiled eggs and Earl grey tea for dinner. All seemed well that night and had a wonderful time doing things that lovers do after doing the dishes. From then on when Dearka Elsman was not at home, Yzak Joule had boiled eggs and tea every dinnertime. Of course, he also managed to learn using the toaster and never attempt boiling eggs in the microwave. Still, Yzak Joule would never go hungry again until the event that he runs out of rations and must roast rabbits instead.